One day I left work and realized I had to get gas. So, I stopped at a gas station in Mill Valley where I was working. I got gas, went inside and got a pack of gum, and used the bathroom. I got back in my truck and headed home. When I got home, Luz was just arriving as well. Out in front of the condo I went to kiss her and she backed away. I asked her what was the matter (this time!). She said that it was weird that I was chewing gum. I asked her why that was weird. I almost always have gum in my car and I am not constantly chewing it but it is not uncommon. She said that I never chew gum. This was just baffling. I love having a fresh piece of gum and somehow she had lost all memory of me chewing gum? Even if it was rare, how is it weird that I decided to have some gum.
But once again, she went into a week or more of treating me like a pariah—avoiding me by hugging the wall in the halls, closing the door at night to the bedroom to make sure I knew I was not welcome, and her general silence. All that until her usual screaming at me as I pressed her a week or more later to quit this. Like the other times with the rose or lip biting or the seat belt, she could not imagine how I did not understand how she would act like she does because I was chewing gum. I knew that in her mind somehow it added up to me cheating. Just for chewing gum.
Once again I bore it and weathered the storm and stayed. I did not deserve to be treated like that and with so many incidents of this type, why did I ever think it would change. I was such a moron.
Propositum
I went through something rough. I let myself get put through something rough. It is my fault for staying in an abusive relationship but the ...
Mike
Like with all of Luz's guy friends, she assured me she had not slept with Mike. Time and again I thought something was a bit too familiar with them and so I would ask. She would deny every time. She used to live with him and I did not know this. But, very early on she had told me a story about a casual relationship she had with this guy she lived with. They would sleep together on occasion and it was just that. The story came up because she asked me at omen point if I ever just had sex for the pleasure of it, "You never just used a condom and had sex just for the pleasure of it?" This conversation stuck in my head pretty well because I have a somewhat puritanical view of sex. I only have sex—make love—with people I love. As I found out as time went on, Luz had a very different view of sex like when she screamed at me on several occasions when she lied to me about various guys she slept with and kept around, "Sex is just sex. It means nothing!"
At one point, she finally admitted that she had slept with Mike. Then at some point she let me know that this was the guy she was living with and sleeping with then. Later she let me know that she was living with Mike at the time she was in a committed relationship with Johnny. I don't think she realized that I remembered our previous conversation when she told me she had been sleeping with this guy she was living with. So, she accidentally let me know after lying to me for years about this guy that she was cheating on her previous committed relationship with this guy.
It was pretty close to the end of our relationship when I made this connection. It bolstered my worries about those nights when she would disappear until around 1 AM. But, even though this pushed me closer to leaving, it did not convince me to do so. Even this late in our relationship, I wish I would have done the right thing and left.
At one point, she finally admitted that she had slept with Mike. Then at some point she let me know that this was the guy she was living with and sleeping with then. Later she let me know that she was living with Mike at the time she was in a committed relationship with Johnny. I don't think she realized that I remembered our previous conversation when she told me she had been sleeping with this guy she was living with. So, she accidentally let me know after lying to me for years about this guy that she was cheating on her previous committed relationship with this guy.
It was pretty close to the end of our relationship when I made this connection. It bolstered my worries about those nights when she would disappear until around 1 AM. But, even though this pushed me closer to leaving, it did not convince me to do so. Even this late in our relationship, I wish I would have done the right thing and left.
I love you (but not to me)
Periodically Luz would agree with me that keeping our phones open to each other was the right thing to do to endear trust. It never lasted long and now I know why. At one point when she was agreeing, I saw a message on her phone. This was from a very old "friend" of hers. This was a guy who out of the blue called and asked if she wanted to go on a vacation with him. I thought at the time, that seems very familiar and forward to be asking just a friend to go sit on a beach together. I asked her about it and she assured me that they had just been friends—that nothing had ever happened between them. This guy was her high school volleyball coach. He had been instrumental in getting her into Cameron State with a full ride.
"I love you," he wrote. "I love you, too," she responded. This was the essential part of the message between them I read. I brought it up to her and like a fool again (god I can't believe myself) I accepted or convinced myself of her reason that, "it was just love like brother love. I love him like a brother."
And again, like the moron I am, I convinced myself and stayed.
"I love you," he wrote. "I love you, too," she responded. This was the essential part of the message between them I read. I brought it up to her and like a fool again (god I can't believe myself) I accepted or convinced myself of her reason that, "it was just love like brother love. I love him like a brother."
And again, like the moron I am, I convinced myself and stayed.
Won't breastfeed Cian
Cian was born a bit early. Not real early, but early enough that all Luz had coming in was her colostrum. When Cian came home on day 2, she tried breast feeding him, but as it turns out, he was not getting enough. He ended up getting jaundice and losing significant bodyweight which necessitated time in the hospital under the lights.
After Cian was born, the nurses, the lactation consultant, and the doctor told Luz that she would need to pump for a couple weeks to get her milk to come in for Cian. We had the pump and it was on her bedside table right next to where she would sit. I was home for a couple weeks and I thought this will be perfect. I will be taking care of Cian and she can pump a few times a day to get her milk to come in.
She pumped a bit at first and then not long after, despite me keeping the machine clean and ready to go any time she wanted to use it, she quickly ceased all together. She knew that in her day of sitting there watching Kardashians and housewives of wherever-the-fuck all day long she should be pumping if she wanted Cian to be able to breastfeed. But, she intentionally let her milk die instead.
If she had made the decision to not breast feed. I would not have respected it but I would have accepted it. All the while I kept my mouth shut fearing her wrath as I had experienced the previous 5 years.
The problem was that she went around telling people that she could not breast feed Cian because her body just did not cooperate when it was the exact opposite. While she told her family, my family, and our friends this lie, I backed her play. I helped her lie to everyone out of fear and because I believe in backing your partner publicly even when you disagree privately with them. My obedience and dedication turned me into a complicit liar. I sat there and helped her lie to all the people who mean so much to me.
Hiding Cian's Food
After Luz threw Cian's walker down on me and she went to jail for doing that, I agreed to take care of Cian back at her place on day. When I got there to take care of him, she had hidden everything that was for him. There was no food, diapers, or anything else that was for basic care. So, we had to leave. This type of behavior did not shock me coming from Luz after all I had been through with her. But, it was so crazy. Anyone's guess is as good as mine at the reason why she would do something that would inhibit the proper care of Cian.
My First Clue
In the summer of 1996, I got a call from a group of girls I had not talked to really since 4 years earlier. I had gone to grade school and freshman year of high school with them. We were so close and I did not really realize it until later. They wanted to know if I wanted to go dancing with them in the city. I was a bit nervous about it. I was a costco jeans wearing, cowboy hat sporting, plumber. I agreed because I knew it would be a new adventure.
So, I went and then we went and went more and more. We were going into the city multiple nights a week. I had so much fun and we never even drank. It was something completely foreign to me and so awesome. A large factor in my enjoyment was how I was getting close to one of the girls. This one, I had had a crush on since 7th grade. Luz was so beautiful, graceful, and composed. She was very quiet never leading a conversation or offering a thought without prompting.
Night after night we got closer and then toward the end of the summer one night at what was The Edge, down on the peninsula, we finally acknowledged to each other our desire for the other. We along with two of the other girls left the club. I drove the jeep that belonged to the girl in the front passenger seat. The other two, Luz and Aralia sat in the back seat.
I was so exhausted. I would get up at 6:30 in the morning. Go work 10-12 hours. Go home and nap. And then get up and go into the city with these girls. So, I was quite focused on staying awake. I had to drive us from Redwood city to Sonoma and drop Aralia off in the city along the way.
Part of the way I noticed the girl in the front start to cry. She was clearly upset. There was a guy she was kind of seeing that was at the club that night so I thought it had something to do with him and I was not going to press her given our other company in the back seat.
So, we got to Aralia's house in the city and she got out. Luz got out with her and they chatted for a few minutes. While they were chatting I asked my crying friend why she was crying. She asked incredulously, "You didn't see them making out in the back seat?!" It all came together for me. See, Aralia is gay. My friend was apparently into her and Luz was making out with this girl in the back seat.
As it came together in my fatigued mind, I became so angry. Here was Luz who had a boyfriend, some guy named Butch, and she was leading me along, and now she was making out with some girl in the car with me just an hour after we had expressed our desire for each other.
Aralia came to the car and asked my crying friend in the front seat if she could get out and talk. When Luz got in the backseat again, she leaned forward and wrapped her hands around my arm between the seats. I pulled it away quickly and put both of my hands on the steering wheel. She did not bother me again that night but while driving home, the two of them started arguing and fighting over this chick.
A day or two later, Luz showed up at my house and asked me if she and I could still have something. I told her no. I told her I knew about her boyfriend and there she was making out with some girl when she had expressed her desire for me. I wanted no part of that. She left in tears.
I should have known this was just her nature. As I later found out when she and I were together, she cheated on all of her three other long term "committed" relationships. She cheated on Butch with Aralia and some random dude. She cheated on her boyfriend Josh with a couple they were friends with. She cheated on Johnny with her roommate, a dude named Mike. And she cheated on me, although I never found out who it was.
I was such an idiot. Why would I think I would be any different than the rest of her exes. She cheated on everyone.
So, I went and then we went and went more and more. We were going into the city multiple nights a week. I had so much fun and we never even drank. It was something completely foreign to me and so awesome. A large factor in my enjoyment was how I was getting close to one of the girls. This one, I had had a crush on since 7th grade. Luz was so beautiful, graceful, and composed. She was very quiet never leading a conversation or offering a thought without prompting.
Night after night we got closer and then toward the end of the summer one night at what was The Edge, down on the peninsula, we finally acknowledged to each other our desire for the other. We along with two of the other girls left the club. I drove the jeep that belonged to the girl in the front passenger seat. The other two, Luz and Aralia sat in the back seat.
I was so exhausted. I would get up at 6:30 in the morning. Go work 10-12 hours. Go home and nap. And then get up and go into the city with these girls. So, I was quite focused on staying awake. I had to drive us from Redwood city to Sonoma and drop Aralia off in the city along the way.
Part of the way I noticed the girl in the front start to cry. She was clearly upset. There was a guy she was kind of seeing that was at the club that night so I thought it had something to do with him and I was not going to press her given our other company in the back seat.
So, we got to Aralia's house in the city and she got out. Luz got out with her and they chatted for a few minutes. While they were chatting I asked my crying friend why she was crying. She asked incredulously, "You didn't see them making out in the back seat?!" It all came together for me. See, Aralia is gay. My friend was apparently into her and Luz was making out with this girl in the back seat.
As it came together in my fatigued mind, I became so angry. Here was Luz who had a boyfriend, some guy named Butch, and she was leading me along, and now she was making out with some girl in the car with me just an hour after we had expressed our desire for each other.
Aralia came to the car and asked my crying friend in the front seat if she could get out and talk. When Luz got in the backseat again, she leaned forward and wrapped her hands around my arm between the seats. I pulled it away quickly and put both of my hands on the steering wheel. She did not bother me again that night but while driving home, the two of them started arguing and fighting over this chick.
A day or two later, Luz showed up at my house and asked me if she and I could still have something. I told her no. I told her I knew about her boyfriend and there she was making out with some girl when she had expressed her desire for me. I wanted no part of that. She left in tears.
I should have known this was just her nature. As I later found out when she and I were together, she cheated on all of her three other long term "committed" relationships. She cheated on Butch with Aralia and some random dude. She cheated on her boyfriend Josh with a couple they were friends with. She cheated on Johnny with her roommate, a dude named Mike. And she cheated on me, although I never found out who it was.
I was such an idiot. Why would I think I would be any different than the rest of her exes. She cheated on everyone.
Lip biting
One day I had bitten my lip. Then, because it was swollen, I kept biting it any time I was chewing. I was eating dinner with Luz that night and I bit my lip again. I exclaimed. She asked me how I was biting my lip like she did not understand how I could accomplish that. It was so odd. Then she started getting upset about it and I knew what she was saying. She was saying that someone else bit my lip. Again, she got pissy and we had a terrible night because she had it in her mind that someone else bit my lip when in reality, I had just bitten my lip at lunch sitting in our work cafeteria.
The rose
My office was in a place with only two parking spots. It was a startup and we had this old garage space for an office. So, I parked wherever in downtown Mill Valley I could be closest to my office. When I left work that evening, I walked past a florist that had a whole street display. They had these giant white roses. I thought how great it would be to greet Luz with one of these when I got home. I went in and got one of these roses, found my truck, and headed home taking special care not to crush or damage the rose in any way.
I got home, got out of my truck, and went into the condo. When I found her I handed her the rose. She did not take it. She just said, "that's weird." I was taken aback and asked, why is that weird. She just repeated herself and then walked away.
For more than a week, she treated me as if I had done some horrible thing. At various times I begged her to talk to me—to tell me what was going on or at least explain what was "weird." She just ignored me, hugged the wall in the hallway if we were walking down it at the same time, went to bed at night and closed the door early making sure I knew I was not welcome.
After more than a week of this, I demanded she tell me what was going on. I begged her to explain why she is behaving the way she was. She just started screaming at me that how could I not know why that was weird. She screamed it repeatedly and I tried to reason with her but that was not possible.
I should have left. This was insane. I just gave her a rose and she turned it into weeks of pain, but again I stayed and hoped she would come back around. I knew all along that there was something seriously wrong with her, but I would cover that knowledge with my efforts to try to not offend her again. But this was absolute folly since there was no predicting what would trigger her next episode of paranoid delusional jealousy.
I got home, got out of my truck, and went into the condo. When I found her I handed her the rose. She did not take it. She just said, "that's weird." I was taken aback and asked, why is that weird. She just repeated herself and then walked away.
For more than a week, she treated me as if I had done some horrible thing. At various times I begged her to talk to me—to tell me what was going on or at least explain what was "weird." She just ignored me, hugged the wall in the hallway if we were walking down it at the same time, went to bed at night and closed the door early making sure I knew I was not welcome.
After more than a week of this, I demanded she tell me what was going on. I begged her to explain why she is behaving the way she was. She just started screaming at me that how could I not know why that was weird. She screamed it repeatedly and I tried to reason with her but that was not possible.
I should have left. This was insane. I just gave her a rose and she turned it into weeks of pain, but again I stayed and hoped she would come back around. I knew all along that there was something seriously wrong with her, but I would cover that knowledge with my efforts to try to not offend her again. But this was absolute folly since there was no predicting what would trigger her next episode of paranoid delusional jealousy.
We have someone we want you to meet
Luz who had a friend who decided she was going to date a woman. This woman was a very successful athlete and a strong wild personality. Because of this, she had a crew of women that she hung around with and partied with. Luz, her friend, and the girlfriend had hung out a bit and the friend had complimented Luz on her beauty on several occasions in ways that a guy would not do to another man's woman unless he was looking to get his lip split.
At one point the three of them were messaging and the friend said that she and her girlfriend had someone they wanted Luz to meet. This was them trying to hook Luz up with one of their girlfriends. Luz replied, "Sounds great!" or something to that effect.
When I questioned Luz on it, she tried to play it off like it was a joke but it was not a joke at all. Because, later we were at a party with these women and I found out who the woman was they were trying to hook Luz up with. It was no joke and Luz was more than willing to check out some other woman romantically while she was with me.
But why would I fool myself into thinking this was just a joke. Why would I dismiss it convincing myself that her friends may have been serious but that Luz was joking. Looking back, I can see I was such a fool. I was a fool of my own making.
At one point the three of them were messaging and the friend said that she and her girlfriend had someone they wanted Luz to meet. This was them trying to hook Luz up with one of their girlfriends. Luz replied, "Sounds great!" or something to that effect.
When I questioned Luz on it, she tried to play it off like it was a joke but it was not a joke at all. Because, later we were at a party with these women and I found out who the woman was they were trying to hook Luz up with. It was no joke and Luz was more than willing to check out some other woman romantically while she was with me.
But why would I fool myself into thinking this was just a joke. Why would I dismiss it convincing myself that her friends may have been serious but that Luz was joking. Looking back, I can see I was such a fool. I was a fool of my own making.
Receipt Hunting
One night when Luz was in the middle of one of her weeks long episodes, I went out with a few co-workers. My boss and I got there early and a couple from work joined us later. We have a few drinks and then we all left. It was a good time and nice for me to get out and chat with some people rather than going home and being treated like a pariah for another inexplicable reason.
A few days later Luz starts questioning me about who I was with. She was pressing so hard that I had to have my boss talk to her and tell her that he was with me that night. She was sure that I was out with a woman because the receipt in my pocket after paying that night had wine on it. Oddly enough, she knows I prefer wine over beer because it is just nicer to my tummy. She had gone through my pockets, read the receipt, and then in her mind again I was cheating on her. This went into another week or two of being treated like I had killed her cat.
Not only was it like this at this time, but she would bring it up later and even years later, and go into the same type of episode acting like I had cheated on her.
I had to be really careful with my receipts from then on because I knew she would try to interpret them to mean I was cheating on her. Because she was as paranoid and abusive as she was, I had to constantly be aware of what I was ordering if she was not with me.
A few days later Luz starts questioning me about who I was with. She was pressing so hard that I had to have my boss talk to her and tell her that he was with me that night. She was sure that I was out with a woman because the receipt in my pocket after paying that night had wine on it. Oddly enough, she knows I prefer wine over beer because it is just nicer to my tummy. She had gone through my pockets, read the receipt, and then in her mind again I was cheating on her. This went into another week or two of being treated like I had killed her cat.
Not only was it like this at this time, but she would bring it up later and even years later, and go into the same type of episode acting like I had cheated on her.
I had to be really careful with my receipts from then on because I knew she would try to interpret them to mean I was cheating on her. Because she was as paranoid and abusive as she was, I had to constantly be aware of what I was ordering if she was not with me.
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