My two oldest boys lived in an area where they did not fit in culturally. They very few friends and they were not kids that these boys wanted to hang out with. The area where we lived was just shopping centers, business parks, and tract homes. Just one set of shops, offices, and cookie cutter houses after another. There was no community. It was just everyone doing their own thing and going home. The kids around the neighborhoods did not play outside due to their parents' cultures. It was so foreign to me. As a kid, I was outside with my friends as much as I could be. My parents were cool with it. And, I think I am a more independent person for being able to go out and explore and find my way. Now my boys did not want to go outside and there was very little for them to do.
All of this is in contrast to growing up in Sonoma. Sonoma is so unique, even though there are other communities around like it. But, the plaza, the fields, the small centralized community where especially the parents are still focused on enjoying the community feel we get here. All the events where the town comes together to celebrate the harvest and crush, or 4th of July, or the city party, the youth ball games, and all the other events around are all signs, benefits, and exhibitions of something many of us took for granted that does not exist in many places and especially in the place where we were living back then.
There was another issue. Both of my boys had special needs in school. These special needs were not that severe and some of them were quite positive. I have a very active energized smart boy who wants to do and learn everything he can. The public schools would not accommodate him and his style of learning. Instead they just tried to fit him into their standard box. My other guy is a very intuitive learner, especially in math and his understanding of language would challenge that of most adults easily. They both needed advancement and accommodation which the public grade schools refused to give them. So, I decided it was time for them to go to a private school where they could flourish in a more custom environment.
These two things together with having Luz in Sonoma made moving to Sonoma and having the boys attend St. Francis a perfect solution. At this time my ex wife and I had a 3/4/4/3 split on custody. It was a good 50/50 schedule. I came to her with my concerns and the solution and she flat out refused. I don't think I need to get into all the details here but the fact is that she had been for years complaining about the exact same things trying to think of a way to solve for the lack of community and the way the public schools were holding our boys back. But, she decided that to spite me she was not going to do this thing for the boys. That was the end of an amicable split and I took us into a custody battle because I knew what was best for the boys and I knew she knew also because she had told me. But, she refused to allow the boys what was best for them so we went through a year of custody deliberations, evaluations, court, and tens of thousands of dollars (almost all my money).
In the end, the court decided to keep the status quo, which I have found out since then is what they try to do even when one parent is abusive like my ex wife who has been reported to CPS 10 times by 6 different professionals, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a school counselor, our co-parenting counselor, and a therapist.
I know how much this move would have meant to the boys, their education, their happiness, and their future. They are my life and my purpose now and the day I found out that all those hopes I had for improving their lives were dashed by a status quo obsessed family court system. I felt like someone had died. It was one of the worst days of my life. It hit me so hard, I could not believe it. I never thought I would feel like I did should the boys not get what they should. I was hurting deeply. When I told Luz, she started in on me. I told her how I was feeling and she just started telling me how it was all my fault. I could not understand what she was talking about and I tried briefly to understand and argue but I quickly realized that here was a person who supposedly loved me, loved the boys, and wanted what was best for us but who when I had been knocked down and beaten started kicking me too. I could not believe what I was hearing. I had someone I loved looking at something I tried so hard to accomplish, and failed not because of my own inability but because of outside forces, and she was telling me that I was to blame with zero reasoning.
She never attempted to comfort me—not once. She never said anything like even "that's terrible," or "I am sorry the boys did not get what they deserved."
I ended the conversation and it took me a long time to get past that. But, stupidly I walked around that giant red flag. I put it behind me and I did not look back. I did not look at the fact that this person who was supposedly loving me decided to hurt me more and unnecessarily while I was already hurting. With everything she knew I put into it and the hopes I had, she just shit on all of it for no reason. And I, like the idiot I was, decided I could figure it out some time or get her to understand how she had hurt me.
I brought it up another time later about how badly that hurt me. She just started screaming at me about how it is my fault and I deserved it. And again I stayed. I can't believe that I stayed.