When Luz and I had been together for about a year when she started to do something weird. When my ex-wife would call to talk about or to the boys, Luz would get angry and ask me repeatedly, "Why is that her name?" Incredulously I would ask, "What do you mean?" And she would just repeat her question. This happened several times and each time I would have no idea what to say when she read my ex-wife's name on my phone when she called. She would just ask "Why is that her name?" every time without any explanation even though I was asking for her to explain. At one point Luz got to screaming it at me, "Why is that her name?!!" over and over.
I kept thinking about it trying to figure out how to appease Luz. I wanted to stop causing her such distress but I did not know what to do. She gave me no explanation and the fact that my ex-wife's name is her name and her last name is my last name because of simply explained reasons, Luz was never close to satisfied or appeased. This repeated berating by Luz finally drove me to just change the name that showed up on my phone so it was my ex-wife's maiden name rather than my last name even though that was not her name.
That was the end of it. All that pain and arguing and bewilderment and anxiety and it was all because my ex-wife's last name was my last name. I went through it all again losing a little bit more of my self respect like every other incident. I was an idiot. I should have seen how irrational and how poor of a communicator Luz was and I should have known these were not things that would change for her. Instead I tried to change myself to appease her irrationality. That never works. I should have left her.
Leisa
Luz has a long time friend. They have known each other for decades and I think she spent more time with Leisa than any of her other friends while we were together. They were old volleyball friends. I would not hesitate to say that they were best friends.
One night Luz and I went into the city to have some fun. Leisa was going to meet us. But, the night continued and Leisa did not show and then eventually said she was not going to make it. We finished our night in the city without incident. I say without incident because Luz had an uncanny way of bringing up things from the past or making something out of nothing like the rose, gum, or dressing up for her and starting a fight. If she had a few drinks while we were out, she usually started something.
We finished our fun in the city and were making our way back to my place in Pleasanton. She was driving and I was talking and trying to create some sort of conversation with Luz. That was usually very difficult unless she was angry or mad about something—which was usually her being angry at me for something. I asked her, "Leisa is financially independent. She has her own home and it is pretty nice. And she is not bad looking. Why has she not had a long term serious relationship?" Luz got immediately defensive. I could see right away this was going to be the incident I was expecting for the night.
Luz got all upset. She asked me if I wanted Leisa. She kept on with it like that until we got to my place. Once inside while I begged and pleaded with her to understand I was just asking out of curiosity and I did not want Leisa, she demanded I show her all my messages. She wanted to see my Apple Messages, facebook messages, emails, and even my LinkedIn messages. This sounds like a short scenario but the arguing and pleading took at least an hour. I showed her everything trying to prove to her that my very slight compliment did not mean that Leisa and I had something going on between us. Luz was so sure of it that she eventually left. She left me there to endure another couple weeks of her ignoring me and putting me through the anxiety of thinking that she was gone.
All I did was ask out of curiosity about her friend because I thought maybe there was some significant reason. I gave her a slight compliment and Luz turned into arguing, suspicion, and more pain for weeks. She thought that compliment meant that her best friend of decades had something going on with me.
Once again, I should have left her. Right there, that was enough pain, paranoia, delusion, and jealousy to run most people off and they would be wise to run. Instead, I endured it and let her do it to me again and again.
One night Luz and I went into the city to have some fun. Leisa was going to meet us. But, the night continued and Leisa did not show and then eventually said she was not going to make it. We finished our night in the city without incident. I say without incident because Luz had an uncanny way of bringing up things from the past or making something out of nothing like the rose, gum, or dressing up for her and starting a fight. If she had a few drinks while we were out, she usually started something.
We finished our fun in the city and were making our way back to my place in Pleasanton. She was driving and I was talking and trying to create some sort of conversation with Luz. That was usually very difficult unless she was angry or mad about something—which was usually her being angry at me for something. I asked her, "Leisa is financially independent. She has her own home and it is pretty nice. And she is not bad looking. Why has she not had a long term serious relationship?" Luz got immediately defensive. I could see right away this was going to be the incident I was expecting for the night.
Luz got all upset. She asked me if I wanted Leisa. She kept on with it like that until we got to my place. Once inside while I begged and pleaded with her to understand I was just asking out of curiosity and I did not want Leisa, she demanded I show her all my messages. She wanted to see my Apple Messages, facebook messages, emails, and even my LinkedIn messages. This sounds like a short scenario but the arguing and pleading took at least an hour. I showed her everything trying to prove to her that my very slight compliment did not mean that Leisa and I had something going on between us. Luz was so sure of it that she eventually left. She left me there to endure another couple weeks of her ignoring me and putting me through the anxiety of thinking that she was gone.
All I did was ask out of curiosity about her friend because I thought maybe there was some significant reason. I gave her a slight compliment and Luz turned into arguing, suspicion, and more pain for weeks. She thought that compliment meant that her best friend of decades had something going on with me.
Once again, I should have left her. Right there, that was enough pain, paranoia, delusion, and jealousy to run most people off and they would be wise to run. Instead, I endured it and let her do it to me again and again.
Danielle
When I was 14 I had a friend. She was the first friend I would say was a kindred spirit. We had very different upbringings but our cores were so similar. We both got each other. We both had the same sense of humor. We both admired each other for who we were. We both wrote poetry. But, the situation turned tragic. I had a girlfriend who did not appreciate me being friends with another female. So, I reduced my contact with Danielle and it became a problem between us. I never thought I would lose the chance to rebuild what I may have damaged for the sake of some teenage desire.
I got home from school one day and my mom was just getting off the phone. She told me that Danielle was in the hospital. I had no idea. I was freaked. I jumped on my bike and rode from 7th Street to the Sonoma Valley Hospital. I found her in the ICU. Danielle's other best friend, Amanda, was already there. She looked fine. She was sitting up. The three of us talked and we laughed. I never managed to get an apology said in time.
Danielle coughed. She coughed. She coughed and blood started pouring out of her mouth and then it started pulsing out in streams. I ran out to get help. There was no one. The floor was empty. I ran down the hall and found a doctor coming out of the elevator. My mom later told me that he had told her that he thought I was on drugs. I told him to come help. We went. They did what they could. She had bled out from a botched tonsillectomy. I watched my best friend die. I was 14. Danielle was 14.
This experience, pain, and loss was pivotal, seminal, and inspirational for me and was and still is. It is a lesson in timelines, loyalty to self and to those you love, appreciation for what you have when you have it, and in the realization in very impregnating, concrete form that tomorrow is not guaranteed and in fact is likely not to come for many of us. This experience was written on my soul and even while writing this even 30 year later, I get tears and a choked throat.
I learned. I don't want my boys to ever have to experience what I did and especially not the regret—the missed time with someone they love. I have occasionally mentioned Danielle or told the story in part or in full. When it was applicable, I used my experience to teach my boys as best as I can the lessons I learned.
On a few of these occasions, Luz got irritated and asked my why I always talk about Danielle. I told her that I rarely talk about Danielle. I really had spoken about her only maybe 3 times the entire time Luz and I were together. But, when something happens that Luz does not like, in her mind it happens, "all the time," as she likes to say.
Then the last time I ever mentioned this experience or anything having to do with Danielle, Luz blew up at me. She screamed at me asking if I was still in love with Danielle. I had never once said I was in love with Danielle and moreover, I was 14 when Danielle and I were friends. Luz was so jealous about it. Her questioning and screaming descended into her very painful mantra of, "Get the fuck out of my life!!!" She screamed it at me and I pleaded and begged and cried and tried to negotiate for some understanding that never came. I gave up and once again waited the weeks to go by for her rage, anger, disgust, and whatever else goes on inside of her to pass or diminish enough that she would speak to me or even look at me again.
All of that because I was trying to teach my boys not to miss out on the opportunities they had with the people they loved and the people who love them.
I got home from school one day and my mom was just getting off the phone. She told me that Danielle was in the hospital. I had no idea. I was freaked. I jumped on my bike and rode from 7th Street to the Sonoma Valley Hospital. I found her in the ICU. Danielle's other best friend, Amanda, was already there. She looked fine. She was sitting up. The three of us talked and we laughed. I never managed to get an apology said in time.
Danielle coughed. She coughed. She coughed and blood started pouring out of her mouth and then it started pulsing out in streams. I ran out to get help. There was no one. The floor was empty. I ran down the hall and found a doctor coming out of the elevator. My mom later told me that he had told her that he thought I was on drugs. I told him to come help. We went. They did what they could. She had bled out from a botched tonsillectomy. I watched my best friend die. I was 14. Danielle was 14.
This experience, pain, and loss was pivotal, seminal, and inspirational for me and was and still is. It is a lesson in timelines, loyalty to self and to those you love, appreciation for what you have when you have it, and in the realization in very impregnating, concrete form that tomorrow is not guaranteed and in fact is likely not to come for many of us. This experience was written on my soul and even while writing this even 30 year later, I get tears and a choked throat.
I learned. I don't want my boys to ever have to experience what I did and especially not the regret—the missed time with someone they love. I have occasionally mentioned Danielle or told the story in part or in full. When it was applicable, I used my experience to teach my boys as best as I can the lessons I learned.
On a few of these occasions, Luz got irritated and asked my why I always talk about Danielle. I told her that I rarely talk about Danielle. I really had spoken about her only maybe 3 times the entire time Luz and I were together. But, when something happens that Luz does not like, in her mind it happens, "all the time," as she likes to say.
Then the last time I ever mentioned this experience or anything having to do with Danielle, Luz blew up at me. She screamed at me asking if I was still in love with Danielle. I had never once said I was in love with Danielle and moreover, I was 14 when Danielle and I were friends. Luz was so jealous about it. Her questioning and screaming descended into her very painful mantra of, "Get the fuck out of my life!!!" She screamed it at me and I pleaded and begged and cried and tried to negotiate for some understanding that never came. I gave up and once again waited the weeks to go by for her rage, anger, disgust, and whatever else goes on inside of her to pass or diminish enough that she would speak to me or even look at me again.
All of that because I was trying to teach my boys not to miss out on the opportunities they had with the people they loved and the people who love them.
Encouraging me to see my brother (and then using it against me to try to take time away from Cian and I)
Since shortly after Cian was born, Luz used our son against me. From the times she kept him from me, ripped him out of my arms and went into the bedroom to lock the door while screaming "you have no right to him!", to the times when she would just take him and leave while telling me nothing about where she was taking him, or when she withheld him from me after I had not seen him for close to 48 hours because of—who knows what, she never explained it. but, all since I told her I did not want her any more, she has threatened in writing and verbally to keep Cian from me as much as possible.
A little background here before you read the messages below. I work a very flexible job. I only have to go into the office two days a week and I usually make it three days a week. I get to be home with Cian four days a week and it has been like this for years and obviously since before Cian was born. But, Luz tries to tell me and everyone else that I have very little time for Cian. Since I left her, I have been with Cian 4+ days a week with no change in my schedule.
Now she had been telling me to go see my brother who lives hours away. I had wanted to but did not so that I could be with Cian. As soon as I agreed to go see my brother, she started using it to say that it somehow restricted the time that I could spend with Cian. I went for a weekend and she continued to use it like she does in the messages below.
Not many people have had someone tell them they are going to use the courts to try to control, limit, and reduce the time you have with your own son. It is one of the most anxiety inducing experiences. It is so painful and sleep depriving. Lying awake night after night worrying if despite the facts and truth the courts will side with the woman like they do so often just out of tradition. Like I said before, the abuse does not end even after the relationship is over.
A little background here before you read the messages below. I work a very flexible job. I only have to go into the office two days a week and I usually make it three days a week. I get to be home with Cian four days a week and it has been like this for years and obviously since before Cian was born. But, Luz tries to tell me and everyone else that I have very little time for Cian. Since I left her, I have been with Cian 4+ days a week with no change in my schedule.
Now she had been telling me to go see my brother who lives hours away. I had wanted to but did not so that I could be with Cian. As soon as I agreed to go see my brother, she started using it to say that it somehow restricted the time that I could spend with Cian. I went for a weekend and she continued to use it like she does in the messages below.
Not many people have had someone tell them they are going to use the courts to try to control, limit, and reduce the time you have with your own son. It is one of the most anxiety inducing experiences. It is so painful and sleep depriving. Lying awake night after night worrying if despite the facts and truth the courts will side with the woman like they do so often just out of tradition. Like I said before, the abuse does not end even after the relationship is over.
Winks
You may have read in other posts how I thought it was best if we did not keep the other out of our phones. My theory was that the openness would help us not be jealous or worry. But often, as in this case, it led to trouble. And actually, this time was Luz looking over my shoulder as I was writing work messages to a product manager. I made a joke and sent a wink along with it. Luz saw this and immediately got enraged. She started telling me that I do not send any winks to anyone else and that I must be having an affair with this product manager. She was adamant about this and I told her that I send winks to anyone regardless of their sex. I just like to joke around. She would not listen to it. So, we went into another set of weeks of she treating me like I was a pariah, screaming at me, "get the fuck out of my life!"
I went through all my message and compiled all the winks I could find I sent to anyone at work. I quickly came up with 25 of them. I showed them to her and she still was convinced that the wink I sent to this product manager meant we had something going on. Like usual, I was pained and begged and pleaded and apologized and did everything I could do while she ignored me, moved to the side in the hallway if we were passing each other, left the bed at night when I came in. Weeks of pain all because I made an innocuous joke and sent a wink with it.
Once again, this is so embarrassing. What the hell is wrong with me that I would stay with someone like this?
I went through all my message and compiled all the winks I could find I sent to anyone at work. I quickly came up with 25 of them. I showed them to her and she still was convinced that the wink I sent to this product manager meant we had something going on. Like usual, I was pained and begged and pleaded and apologized and did everything I could do while she ignored me, moved to the side in the hallway if we were passing each other, left the bed at night when I came in. Weeks of pain all because I made an innocuous joke and sent a wink with it.
Once again, this is so embarrassing. What the hell is wrong with me that I would stay with someone like this?
A covered pot doesn't boil
We often cooked together. One night Luz had gotten started before I got home. I came into the kitchen and we did our fairly normal welcome. I looked at the stove and I said, "You know, right, that the water will boil faster if you put a lid on the pot?" Her response was, "HA! Right." And, she left it uncovered. I wonder if she still believes in the opposite of simple thermodynamics. She certainly would not cover any pots before or after I mentioned what is plainly obvious to most people. In the end, I was an idiot in her eyes and she just laughed at my suggestion.
Custody loss was my fault (worst day of my life)
My two oldest boys lived in an area where they did not fit in culturally. They very few friends and they were not kids that these boys wanted to hang out with. The area where we lived was just shopping centers, business parks, and tract homes. Just one set of shops, offices, and cookie cutter houses after another. There was no community. It was just everyone doing their own thing and going home. The kids around the neighborhoods did not play outside due to their parents' cultures. It was so foreign to me. As a kid, I was outside with my friends as much as I could be. My parents were cool with it. And, I think I am a more independent person for being able to go out and explore and find my way. Now my boys did not want to go outside and there was very little for them to do.
All of this is in contrast to growing up in Sonoma. Sonoma is so unique, even though there are other communities around like it. But, the plaza, the fields, the small centralized community where especially the parents are still focused on enjoying the community feel we get here. All the events where the town comes together to celebrate the harvest and crush, or 4th of July, or the city party, the youth ball games, and all the other events around are all signs, benefits, and exhibitions of something many of us took for granted that does not exist in many places and especially in the place where we were living back then.
There was another issue. Both of my boys had special needs in school. These special needs were not that severe and some of them were quite positive. I have a very active energized smart boy who wants to do and learn everything he can. The public schools would not accommodate him and his style of learning. Instead they just tried to fit him into their standard box. My other guy is a very intuitive learner, especially in math and his understanding of language would challenge that of most adults easily. They both needed advancement and accommodation which the public grade schools refused to give them. So, I decided it was time for them to go to a private school where they could flourish in a more custom environment.
These two things together with having Luz in Sonoma made moving to Sonoma and having the boys attend St. Francis a perfect solution. At this time my ex wife and I had a 3/4/4/3 split on custody. It was a good 50/50 schedule. I came to her with my concerns and the solution and she flat out refused. I don't think I need to get into all the details here but the fact is that she had been for years complaining about the exact same things trying to think of a way to solve for the lack of community and the way the public schools were holding our boys back. But, she decided that to spite me she was not going to do this thing for the boys. That was the end of an amicable split and I took us into a custody battle because I knew what was best for the boys and I knew she knew also because she had told me. But, she refused to allow the boys what was best for them so we went through a year of custody deliberations, evaluations, court, and tens of thousands of dollars (almost all my money).
In the end, the court decided to keep the status quo, which I have found out since then is what they try to do even when one parent is abusive like my ex wife who has been reported to CPS 10 times by 6 different professionals, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a school counselor, our co-parenting counselor, and a therapist.
I know how much this move would have meant to the boys, their education, their happiness, and their future. They are my life and my purpose now and the day I found out that all those hopes I had for improving their lives were dashed by a status quo obsessed family court system. I felt like someone had died. It was one of the worst days of my life. It hit me so hard, I could not believe it. I never thought I would feel like I did should the boys not get what they should. I was hurting deeply. When I told Luz, she started in on me. I told her how I was feeling and she just started telling me how it was all my fault. I could not understand what she was talking about and I tried briefly to understand and argue but I quickly realized that here was a person who supposedly loved me, loved the boys, and wanted what was best for us but who when I had been knocked down and beaten started kicking me too. I could not believe what I was hearing. I had someone I loved looking at something I tried so hard to accomplish, and failed not because of my own inability but because of outside forces, and she was telling me that I was to blame with zero reasoning.
She never attempted to comfort me—not once. She never said anything like even "that's terrible," or "I am sorry the boys did not get what they deserved."
I ended the conversation and it took me a long time to get past that. But, stupidly I walked around that giant red flag. I put it behind me and I did not look back. I did not look at the fact that this person who was supposedly loving me decided to hurt me more and unnecessarily while I was already hurting. With everything she knew I put into it and the hopes I had, she just shit on all of it for no reason. And I, like the idiot I was, decided I could figure it out some time or get her to understand how she had hurt me.
I brought it up another time later about how badly that hurt me. She just started screaming at me about how it is my fault and I deserved it. And again I stayed. I can't believe that I stayed.
All of this is in contrast to growing up in Sonoma. Sonoma is so unique, even though there are other communities around like it. But, the plaza, the fields, the small centralized community where especially the parents are still focused on enjoying the community feel we get here. All the events where the town comes together to celebrate the harvest and crush, or 4th of July, or the city party, the youth ball games, and all the other events around are all signs, benefits, and exhibitions of something many of us took for granted that does not exist in many places and especially in the place where we were living back then.
There was another issue. Both of my boys had special needs in school. These special needs were not that severe and some of them were quite positive. I have a very active energized smart boy who wants to do and learn everything he can. The public schools would not accommodate him and his style of learning. Instead they just tried to fit him into their standard box. My other guy is a very intuitive learner, especially in math and his understanding of language would challenge that of most adults easily. They both needed advancement and accommodation which the public grade schools refused to give them. So, I decided it was time for them to go to a private school where they could flourish in a more custom environment.
These two things together with having Luz in Sonoma made moving to Sonoma and having the boys attend St. Francis a perfect solution. At this time my ex wife and I had a 3/4/4/3 split on custody. It was a good 50/50 schedule. I came to her with my concerns and the solution and she flat out refused. I don't think I need to get into all the details here but the fact is that she had been for years complaining about the exact same things trying to think of a way to solve for the lack of community and the way the public schools were holding our boys back. But, she decided that to spite me she was not going to do this thing for the boys. That was the end of an amicable split and I took us into a custody battle because I knew what was best for the boys and I knew she knew also because she had told me. But, she refused to allow the boys what was best for them so we went through a year of custody deliberations, evaluations, court, and tens of thousands of dollars (almost all my money).
In the end, the court decided to keep the status quo, which I have found out since then is what they try to do even when one parent is abusive like my ex wife who has been reported to CPS 10 times by 6 different professionals, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a school counselor, our co-parenting counselor, and a therapist.
I know how much this move would have meant to the boys, their education, their happiness, and their future. They are my life and my purpose now and the day I found out that all those hopes I had for improving their lives were dashed by a status quo obsessed family court system. I felt like someone had died. It was one of the worst days of my life. It hit me so hard, I could not believe it. I never thought I would feel like I did should the boys not get what they should. I was hurting deeply. When I told Luz, she started in on me. I told her how I was feeling and she just started telling me how it was all my fault. I could not understand what she was talking about and I tried briefly to understand and argue but I quickly realized that here was a person who supposedly loved me, loved the boys, and wanted what was best for us but who when I had been knocked down and beaten started kicking me too. I could not believe what I was hearing. I had someone I loved looking at something I tried so hard to accomplish, and failed not because of my own inability but because of outside forces, and she was telling me that I was to blame with zero reasoning.
She never attempted to comfort me—not once. She never said anything like even "that's terrible," or "I am sorry the boys did not get what they deserved."
I ended the conversation and it took me a long time to get past that. But, stupidly I walked around that giant red flag. I put it behind me and I did not look back. I did not look at the fact that this person who was supposedly loving me decided to hurt me more and unnecessarily while I was already hurting. With everything she knew I put into it and the hopes I had, she just shit on all of it for no reason. And I, like the idiot I was, decided I could figure it out some time or get her to understand how she had hurt me.
I brought it up another time later about how badly that hurt me. She just started screaming at me about how it is my fault and I deserved it. And again I stayed. I can't believe that I stayed.
Dressed up for anyone but me
I used to be so damn excited when Luz was coming to my place in Pleasanton. If I had my front door open, I could see down to the parking lot and I would often catch her pulling in. I would hustle down the stairs to be there to open her door when she got out. Usually I was working right up until she arrived. I worked from home so I was usually in decently casual clothes. Luz was usually coming from work so she was dressed sort of business casual, at least better than my work from home clothes. One day, it was probably a Friday, I decided I would clean up, dress nicely, and meet her down in the parking lot to take her out to dinner. So, I shaved, showered, did my hair, and dressed nice enough for a downtown Pleasanton dinner. Like usual, I saw her arrive and I hustled down to meet her as she got out of her car. But this time she looked at me and instantly would not come near me. She asked, "Why are you dressed up? Who are you dressed up for?" I replied with my plan of heading right away to dinner. She said something, that I learned as time went on meant trouble, "That's weird." She asked me again why I was dressed up. I did not understand what was going on. Our discussion became more and more frustrating and hopeless for me. It did not matter what I said she had something else going on in her head. She had gone instantly cold when she saw me but then she got angry. This turned out to be part of that "trouble" pattern.
All I wanted to do was surprise her a bit, look better for her than I usually do, and enjoy a weekend with the woman I loved. But instead I got a Luz who assumed I was cheating on her because in her mind I had just come from being with someone. I dressed up for her and that means to her that I am cheating. She had come all the way from Richmond. She got back in her car and left me standing there.
She ignored me for days and I begged and pleaded with her on voicemail and over text to please understand, "All I was doing was trying to do something nice for you and us." I was distraught and felt powerless. I was losing my love because of something good I did. Why would me doing something nice like that turn into my woman disappearing from me? What could I have done differently? And right there is and was my problem. I started trying to figure out what I could do to avoid this situation in the future like it was my fault. I was compromising myself. I began apologizing to her over text and voicemail and somehow after a week or more she replied and came back around.
Those days were agonizing. I was powerless to stop the loss or even understand why Luz had decided to be angry, leave, and ignore me for days. Each night I lay awake with anxiety running through my body like when your foot falls asleep and the blood starts to recirculate. It was all over me and in me and I did not sleep and I could not smile.
I should not have allowed myself to be treated in such a way and I should have recognized that if someone can be that jealous to the point of delusion that there was nothing I was going to do to be able to stop it just by changing my behavior. It was who she was and is and I should have left her then.
All I wanted to do was surprise her a bit, look better for her than I usually do, and enjoy a weekend with the woman I loved. But instead I got a Luz who assumed I was cheating on her because in her mind I had just come from being with someone. I dressed up for her and that means to her that I am cheating. She had come all the way from Richmond. She got back in her car and left me standing there.
She ignored me for days and I begged and pleaded with her on voicemail and over text to please understand, "All I was doing was trying to do something nice for you and us." I was distraught and felt powerless. I was losing my love because of something good I did. Why would me doing something nice like that turn into my woman disappearing from me? What could I have done differently? And right there is and was my problem. I started trying to figure out what I could do to avoid this situation in the future like it was my fault. I was compromising myself. I began apologizing to her over text and voicemail and somehow after a week or more she replied and came back around.
Those days were agonizing. I was powerless to stop the loss or even understand why Luz had decided to be angry, leave, and ignore me for days. Each night I lay awake with anxiety running through my body like when your foot falls asleep and the blood starts to recirculate. It was all over me and in me and I did not sleep and I could not smile.
I should not have allowed myself to be treated in such a way and I should have recognized that if someone can be that jealous to the point of delusion that there was nothing I was going to do to be able to stop it just by changing my behavior. It was who she was and is and I should have left her then.
Propositum
I went through something rough. I let myself get put through something rough. It is my fault for staying in an abusive relationship but the abuse is not my fault.
I am writing this as a warning to those of you who are in or may find yourself in what I have just escaped from. Those of us who have grown up in abusive relationships know how to "get to the next day." This is quite different than those who have tough times with someone they are with. This skill is getting to the next day after being brought down a bit as a person. Every day you get brought down by the abuse and then you figure out how to find enough happiness to go on the next day with the life you are in, despite the abuse. You find ways, almost in a Stockholm syndrome kind of way, to find something positive in the person abusing you that you can hold on to for hope that one day they will stop, they will get it, they will come to realize that you do not deserve how they are treating you. And then you end up learning how to "get to the next day" and the next day becomes years. But then what you find is that even after you muster the courage to leave and you have left, the abuse continues. You hear unbelievable things this person is saying to other people and you have no way to defend yourself. The other people don't know the person you have been living with for all those years. They don't know what it is like to have that person take all of their issues out on you. They see the surface, the facade that is put upon the true structure of a person who drove you to have to leave them.
Everything in this blog adheres to that purpose. Please read and realize that if you are experiencing something similar, you must leave. Do not get to the next day. Do not find a way to squeak what is left of your person through that narrow channel you are allowed to live in just to find yourself again the next day trying to navigate, mitigate, apologize for abuse you are suffering. Get out!
I am writing this as a warning to those of you who are in or may find yourself in what I have just escaped from. Those of us who have grown up in abusive relationships know how to "get to the next day." This is quite different than those who have tough times with someone they are with. This skill is getting to the next day after being brought down a bit as a person. Every day you get brought down by the abuse and then you figure out how to find enough happiness to go on the next day with the life you are in, despite the abuse. You find ways, almost in a Stockholm syndrome kind of way, to find something positive in the person abusing you that you can hold on to for hope that one day they will stop, they will get it, they will come to realize that you do not deserve how they are treating you. And then you end up learning how to "get to the next day" and the next day becomes years. But then what you find is that even after you muster the courage to leave and you have left, the abuse continues. You hear unbelievable things this person is saying to other people and you have no way to defend yourself. The other people don't know the person you have been living with for all those years. They don't know what it is like to have that person take all of their issues out on you. They see the surface, the facade that is put upon the true structure of a person who drove you to have to leave them.
Everything in this blog adheres to that purpose. Please read and realize that if you are experiencing something similar, you must leave. Do not get to the next day. Do not find a way to squeak what is left of your person through that narrow channel you are allowed to live in just to find yourself again the next day trying to navigate, mitigate, apologize for abuse you are suffering. Get out!
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